Stop “Whack-a-Mole” Parenting

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How to Catch Your Kids Doing It Right

As parents, we often feel like we are playing a never-ending game of “whack-a-mole” with bad behavior. We jump on the grumbling, the eye rolls, and the messy rooms the moment they happen. But during my family’s Grumble-Free Year, I learned that focusing solely on correction was exhausting—and often ineffective.

I discovered that the secret to changing the atmosphere in our home wasn’t just sealing our lips to complaints. Instead, it was opening our mouths to praise. Let me explain: when we complain, our kids flip into negative emotions, their thinking brain turns off, and they tune us out. Yet when we praise, our kids feel good, and then lean in to listen. They also want to be seen and appreciated more, so they are more likely to repeat the positive behavior.

Here is a guide to shifting your focus and starting to catch your kids doing things right, based on lessons from our family’s journey.

1. Flip the Script on Attention

Early in our journey, a therapist gave me advice that changed everything. She pointed out that my big reactions to bad behavior were actually feeding it because my kids thrived on attention—even negative attention.

• The Strategy: The therapist urged me to stay mellow and provide very little energy when correcting, but to give “over-the-board attention” when they did something good.
• Why It Works: If someone praises you when you do something, it is a guarantee that you are going to do it again. As I learned, “Grumbling equals disconnection. And praise equals connection and bonding.”

2. Praise the “Almost” Moments

You don’t have to wait for perfection to offer praise. Sometimes, the victory is in the attempt. During our challenge, we identified everyone’s “grumbling style”—whether it was whining, eye-rolling, or stomping. Once we knew what to look for, I started praising them for catching themselves.

• How to Do It: Watch for the moment when your child starts to slide into a bad habit, then stops.
• What to Say: I would say things like, “Great job! I caught that almost eye roll,” or “I noticed that you started to whine but then stopped. Good job”.
• The Result: Praising their self-control reminded them that God can and does help them, and it reinforced the behavior we wanted to see.

3. Don’t Miss the Road Trip Wins

It is easy to brace yourself for a fight during stressful times, like travel. But these are often the best times to catch your kids getting it right.

Toward the end of our year, we were on a road trip and stopped at a gas station. Some of the younger kids went in and bought snacks, while two of my teens stayed in the car. I braced myself for the inevitable “It’s not fair!” grumbling when the snack-holders returned.

Instead, the younger ones immediately offered to share.

• The Action: I didn’t let that moment pass silently. I immediately praised them for how they handled the situation.
• The Effect: My kids smiled, almost surprised by the praise. It reinforced that sharing and consideration were now becoming our “new normal”.

4. Follow Jesus’ Example of Affirmation

Sometimes we feel awkward praising our kids because we want them to do right, simply because it is right, not for applause. But even Jesus affirmed others.

When a woman poured expensive perfume on Jesus (Mark 14), others criticized her, but Jesus praised her, saying she had done a “beautiful thing.”

• The Lesson: Jesus not only praised her, He also said her deed would be told to others.
• Application: Share the good things your kids do with others—especially their dad or grandparents—in front of them. When we see character in our kids, we need to take note of it.

5. Connect Small Tasks to Big Dreams

We often treat chores and character building as boring obligations that get in the way of what our kids really want to do. The secret is to flip the script: help them see that these small acts are actually the training ground for their biggest dreams.

When my daughter “Alexis”—who dreams of being famous—was helping me sort school supplies, I didn’t give her a reality check about how hard Hollywood is. Instead, I validated her dream but gave her a new perspective based on Luke 16:10:

"Whoever can be trusted with a little, can be trusted with much".

I asked her, “If you can’t handle the relationships in this house right—including your attitude—why would God give you a stage to influence millions?”. I explained that just like a CEO wouldn’t trust a big client to someone who messes up a coffee order, God tests us with the small stuff first.

This conversation turned a tedious chore into an “audition” for her future.

• The “Catch”: Later that night, when she graciously helped her siblings pick a TV show instead of complaining, I didn’t just see a “good girl.” I saw her practicing for her dream.
• The Praise: When John and I praised her for it, we weren’t just saying “thank you.” We were affirming that she was passing the test. We connected her self-control in the living room to the future influence she craves.
• The Takeaway: When you link a child’s current behavior to their future goals, praise becomes a powerful tool. It tells them, “I see you building your future right now.”

Your Turn:

Today, try to catch one “almost” moment—where a child almost grumbled but didn’t—and praise them for it immediately.

By shifting your attention from the grumbles to the growth, you aren’t just getting a cleaner house or a quieter car ride. You are also building a relationship based on connection rather than correction. It won’t always be perfect, but as you catch your kids doing it right, you’ll find that the challenge is definitely worth the change.

Changing the atmosphere in your home doesn’t happen overnight, but it starts with where you place your focus. As I learned during our Grumble-Free Year, praising the good behavior does more to transform a child’s heart than constantly pointing out what is wrong. 

Here is a worksheet to help you discover your Grumble Styles so you can work on them together!