By Kayla Koslosky, Crosswalk.com
Editor’s Note: Crosswalk's Singles Advice is an advice column for singles featuring an anonymous question from a Crosswalk.com reader with a thoughtful, biblical reply from one of our single editors.
I've met a wonderful man. We worked in the same organization but didn't really know each other. One Sunday he appeared at my Church. The next Sunday he came up to me to greet me. I contacted him on Facebook and we began to have small conversations, but then he told me he had a girlfriend, so I backed off.
A few weeks later, he contacted me, but I didn't know if he was flirting or just being cordial. Eventually he asked me out. We talked about his short relationship and how he didn't think it would work because of distance. I was still unsure of what he wanted, even after going out dancing several times. Then he told me that he liked me and wanted to be with me. So, he made it official. But a week later, he said God was telling him not to be in a relationship after constantly being in one since his divorce. He said he needed time to be single, work on some things, and finish his spiritual book.
He said I was all he had been praying for, I was a Proverbs 31 woman, but he didn’t know how to be in a relationship without focusing so much on it that he can't write and do other things he planned to do, or to be celibate like I was trying to be. I am hurt and confused. I did speak with him to get more clarity because our chemistry was so good. The first time he broke it off, I wanted to be obedient. The second time I was already in too deep with my feelings. Any advice, please?
This question covers a situation I hear about all too often, people jumping into things before they are ready. To start off, it sounds like this guy you were dating hopped into something before he confronted his past hurts.
I think he made a responsible choice when he called it quits with you. He needs to work on himself and figure out who he is, and until such a time that he does figure himself out, he needs to stop jumping into relationships.
You said he didn’t think he should be dating following his divorce, well… he’s probably right. Not to say that divorced people should never date, but in this case, this guy shouldn’t date until he’s truly faced the brokenness divorces often leave behind.
Trust me when I say, you don’t want to get stuck in the middle of all of the emotional turmoil. I’ve been on both your side of this situation and his. Jumping into things too quickly is almost certainly a recipe for disaster.
Beside this, there are a couple of red flags I want to point out to you.
1. You have different values.
He said the words every Christian girl wants to hear, “you are the girl I’ve been praying for,” but I think now is his time to ask God to prepare his heart for a relationship. It sounds to me like you two are in very different places in your spiritual journeys and maybe you are not so equally yoked. You want to stay celibate and he is having a hard time not thinking about sex while in a relationship. This is a pretty big thing to have a different mindset on.
2 Corinthians 6:14 encourages us to think about who we enter into relationships with. Do they share the same values as us? Do we share the same Christian faith? The verse reads, “Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness?”
“Unbelievers” in your case can also mean “someone who doesn’t share the same Christian values.”
You said, “I was trying to be” celibate. I’m not sure if this means you are no longer trying to be celibate, but in any case, I want to offer you this: God does not call us to abstain from sex until marriage because He is a prude, He does it to protect us. Sex forms a deep emotional and spiritual connection between the two parties involved. It binds you together with the person you slept with. If you are still trying to be celibate, I encourage you to lean on God for encouragement so that you can stay strong in your abstinence. If you are not, and maybe you slept with this guy, it is almost certainly a contributing factor to why you feel so hurt by him.
For you to have slept with him against your values and better judgement, means you must have really trusted him when he told you that you were the perfect girl for him. That trust being betrayed coupled with the emotional connection forged between you two and the broken covenant of celibacy before marriage are a recipe for a perfect storm of really heavy emotions. I encourage you to remember that we are redeemed by the blood of Christ. We all make mistakes, and if you did in this situation, lay it down at God’s feet and ask him for healing, and don’t forget to forgive yourself as well.
2. Is this the relationship God has in mind for you?
Without question, breakups are hard. Whether you dated someone for ten days or ten years, no one likes to breakup with someone or be broken up with, but there is one question you will want to keep in mind: Is this relationship ordained by God? I’m currently going through this season where I am constantly asking God this very question, and I encourage you to persistently ask God as well!
To me, it sounds like this guy isn’t the right guy for you. You are both in very different places and it also sounds like you have drastically different character.
At the end of the day, you need to allow yourself some time to heal from your heartbreak. Allow yourself some grace as well; getting over a broken heart cannot be rushed. There have been times when I was able to get over a breakup in two weeks and other times when it took me two years. Just know that God wants you to lay your broken heart down at his feet and when it’s time, he’ll lead you to the right relationship.
Psalm 147:3 reminds us that God can heal our broken hearts. The verse says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
As you move forward from this brokenness I encourage you to lay your heartache down to God and to ask him to prepare your heart for the right relationship with the right guy at the right time.
Kayla Koslosky loves her faith journey as a Christian single and is the News Editor for ChristianHeadlines.com. Kayla has worked as a mentor for college leaders offering them advice and assistance throughout their leadership journeys, led a women's Bible study, and wrote an advice column for her college’s Yellow Jacket Newspaper.
Disclaimer: any single editor replying to reader questions through this advice column is a Christian seeking God's direction through his Word. We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. As we explore issues with you, we will seek God's guidance through prayer and the Bible.
Have a question? If you have a question about anything related to living the single life, please email [email protected] (selected questions will be addressed anonymously). While we cannot answer every question, we hope you'll find encouragement in this column.
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