5 Things to Do When You Want to Cheat on Your Spouse
Marriage
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By Amanda Idleman, Crosswalk.com
There are many complex reasons why we find ourselves in a situation in which we are tempted to commit adultery. Sometimes it’s a lack of personal self-discipline, lust or love that has snuck its way into our lives, a belief that the grass may be greener elsewhere, a failure to maintain proper boundaries, or a distant marriage that leads to a broken heart. No matter the “why,” how we handle this real temptation matters most.
The Bible warns in Proverbs 6:32, “He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself.” That’s some strong language! Engaging in adultery is not only an act against our spouse, but it’s an act of harm against ourselves. Sin consumes, and engaging in the sin of infidelity will eat us up from the inside out.
Before taking actions that will harm those you love, pause and consider your options. Here are some steps you can take before cheating:
1. Be Honest with Your Spouse
When we find ourselves battling real feelings and overwhelming temptations, it’s time to lay it all out before our spouse. Proverbs 11:3 instructs, “The integrity of the upright guides them, but the crookedness of the treacherous destroys them.” Our lies destroy us!
Maybe your lie is more of a lie of omission, and you are surprised to find yourself in this place, truly struggling to remain faithful to your vows. Oftentimes, sin and temptation sneak into our stories. We don’t often seek out ways to hurt others, but no matter how you end up here, you must bring your partner into your struggle.
When we shine light on our temptation, it has no choice but to shrink. If our partner knew the feelings we were struggling with, would we be willing to send those sets of messages? If they had full access to our phones, social media, email, computers, etc., would we feel comfortable or ashamed? If they were in the office with us every day, seeing how we look at and interact with our coworkers and the kinds of conversations we have with them, would they be proud of us or shocked by the inappropriate connections we have with those around us?
Our lives should be an open book for our partner, and if there is a part of your book you are hiding, then you are making space for sin to grow. Don’t heap hurt onto your spouse by both lying to them and also cheating on them. Come clean before you devastate both of your lives. If your marriage is in an unhealthy and desperate place, then end your marriage before moving into a new relationship. Show both your spouse and the person you have an interest in the love, respect, and care that is required for a healthy relationship by keeping all actions in the light.
2. Set Up Protective Boundaries
If you are finding yourself slowly being swept away by the allure of something new. A new romance, new sexual experience, or new life altogether, it’s important that you employ protective boundaries in your life. Our minds and bodies often betray us, and things may feel exciting in the moment, but that moment will soon fade and sour into regret and hurt.
Employ the support of an accountability partner whom you invite to keep tabs on things that may prove to be a temptation for you. If possible, make changes to your schedule or routine so you are not spending time with the person you are tempted to cheat with. Be clear with that person and your spouse about your situation and intentions, which is to avoid hurting the people you care most about in your life.
Find a pastor, mentor, or friend who can act as an encouragement for your marriage as you rebuild trust and change your patterns to guard against temptation. Share access to all your apps, messages, and search history across all your devices with your spouse and others who will help keep you accountable. Be diligent to close any ‘loopholes’ that can lead to your destruction. If work is a place of temptation, find someone in your office whom you trust who can help you change the way you interact with others in the workplace, or consider getting a new job.
3. Find a Christian Counselor
Whenever our relationships are navigating a breach of trust, a sense of disconnection, or a threat that could lead to the end of our marriages, we must seek out support. Having a neutral third party who is committed to supporting a Christ-centered relationship is so helpful when navigating these tough situations. Creating this safe space to discuss potentially complicated and emotionally challenging circumstances with your partner can be powerful. Even the toughest conversations can be had when we feel safe enough to truly be open with each other.
Sometimes, pairing couples counseling with individual counseling can be really helpful, as it allows you to work through your own feelings before coming together with your partner. There are times when we don’t even know ourselves! We don’t really understand our own behavior or the why behind our choices. Committing to our own personal therapy so we have better answers and actions when interacting with our spouse and others is important.
Enter these spaces, willing to be honest and to honor your partner's needs. We can only be responsible for our own choices. You must allow your partner space to process their response to your actions, showing them love and respect throughout your journey.
4. Make a Decisive Choice about Your Relationship
Before moving forward, you have to decide on your marriage. Are you committed to your spouse and desire to bridge the gap to restore your marriage, or are you hoping to end your relationship?
Being honest about your commitment level to your marriage is a much kinder and more respectful way to handle your relationship than choosing to be secretly unfaithful to your spouse while married. The Bible urges us to do all we can to remain faithful and committed to our marriages, and it also teaches that lies are destructive.
Proverbs 12:22 warns, “Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who act faithfully are his delight.”
God hates liars. Additionally, there is no way to rebuild trust and health in your marriage without an honest commitment to the relationship. Investing in your marriage, all the while continuing to pursue another person, will only lead to more heartbreak and devastation. Graciously share with your partner your desires for the future, and graciously create a plan that shows consideration for both of you as you move forward.
5. Invest in Your Marriage
If your eyes and heart are wandering, then it’s likely that your focus is not where it should be. Invest time and effort into reconnecting with the one your soul loves. The enemy of our souls wants to do whatever he can to distract us from the covenant relationship formed in marriage, but by God’s grace, our marriages can persevere.
Commit to remembering what brought you together and why you love each other. Review and renew your commitment to your vows. Discuss and address factors that are leading to feelings of disconnection and dissatisfaction in your relationship. Revive efforts to connect emotionally, sexually, and spiritually.
Implement date nights and activities that revive your sense of connection as a couple. Prioritize conversation with your spouse. Make an effort to show them you care for them by using their love language. Pray diligently together that God would hold together your marriage and renew your love for one another.
More Resources:
Should You Stay with a Spouse Who Cheated?
What Does the Bible Say about Adultery? (Plus 2 Types You Probably Didn't Know About)
5 Things to Do When You Learn Your Spouse Is Having an Affair
Will God Bring Vengeance on My Cheating Husband?
6 Things Every Christian Needs to Know about Adultery
