By Dr. David B. Hawkins, Crosswalk.com
We often say we crave more intimacy with our mate, yet we are unable to give it. We may say we want closeness but be completely baffled as to how to obtain it.
These words may sound crazy to you. After all, you ask your mate to spend more time talking to you. You’ve confronted, complained, and convinced yourself that you’re doing everything humanly possible to create a closer connection. This, however, is not necessarily true.
You may not be as available for intimacy as you think.
Take Charles and Debora’s relationship.
“I’ve always wanted a closer relationship to my husband,” Debora stated. “But, his job always came first. Then, his relationship to his buddies, and I came in third.”
“That’s not true,” Charles defended. “I don’t want a relationship with my job or my buddies like I want with you. We just always seem to be fighting. There’s always something between us.”
“It doesn’t have to be that way,” she continued. “We can still spend good time together.”
“But we don’t,” he said. “There’s always conflict. I want peace and harmony and if I had that, I could relax with you.”
“But there are issues we have to talk about,” she said. “If we could get those settled, we could spend more quality time together.”
“It’s always something,” he said derisively.
“I suspect you’re both right,” I said. “I suspect you’re both feeling the wall between you. If you’re like the other couples I’ve counseled, you want to get closer but don’t know how to do it, especially if there are issues to be addressed.”
Clearly Charles and Debora both wanted closeness, but had unfinished business between them that created invisible barriers. Additionally, I discovered both were uncertain as to even how to obtain the closeness they wanted—they had no clear plan for intimacy.
If Charles and Debora want intimacy but are sabotaging themselves, what are some steps they can take to begin increasing their intimacy?
First, state your purpose clearly. We will never achieve our goals without clearly stated intentions. This may be as simple as looking at your mate and sharing that you want to feel and become closer to them. You want to be more vulnerable with them and spend more quality time sharing your heart with them and them sharing their heart with you.
Second, develop a step by step plan, with guidance, to establish intimacy. You will never achieve any goals without a clear plan. You can find excellent step by step guides to assist you, find valuable Scriptures and even find a trusted counselor to help you develop and follow a plan.
Third, ensure that your heart is clear and clean toward your mate. Take time to ensure that your heart is right toward your mate. Make sure that you are in a soft, kind and generous emotional space to offer yourself to your mate. Even if there are issues to be worked through, make sure your intentions are pure.
Fourth, eliminate resentment and emotional barriers. Eliminate the emotional barriers that exist between the two of you. This is likely to take expert guidance to uncover unspoken resentments. You must have a loving and generous heart, as well as a feeling of safety, to move close to your mate.
Finally, bathe all of your actions in prayer. All actions and intentions must be bathed in prayer. Ask the Lord where you may have hidden resentments. Discover barriers you may not know about, in yourself or your mate, and seek healing for them. Them, move forward. Enjoy one another and the intimacy we have been designed for in our marriage.
Do you long for greater intimacy in your marriage? Would you like to heal hidden resentments and lasting hurt that creates barriers? If you would like help, we are here for you. Please send responses to me at [email protected] and also read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on our website and learn about our Personal and Marriage Intensives.